||[May. 22nd, 2010|01:34 am]
After last Friday's game I floated home on a cloud and collapsed into bed, exhausted but happy. I was probably tired from engaging in what they call "cheering" and "clapping." I had "smiled" and raised my hands above my head to "rejoice" in what they call "the scoring of runs." It was all very new and exciting, especially in a Wellemeyer start. And as I drifted off to sleep, warmed by the thrill of victory, I wondered whether I could finally learn to like Wellemeyer, now that he had given me the memory of a good game.
I needn't have worried my pretty little head. Much like there is Bad Zito and Good Zito, and Bad Sanchez and his equally-mustachioed-but-somehow-less-sinister counterpart Good Sanchez, there is also Bad Wellemeyer and Good Wellemeyer. Good Zito seems to have killed Bad Zito and found an excellent hiding place for the body (tonight's game notwithstanding), and Good Sanchez rassles Bad Sanchez on a regular basis but wins over half of their matches. Bad Wellemeyer, however, is an unstoppable beast, a Nothing of a man determined to demolish the Giants' Fantasia on the nights he is uncaged. I imagine that Good Wellemeyer can do little to rein Bad Wellemeyer in, because how can one tame a pitch-black void bent on destruction? Bad Zito is 6'4", 215 and Bad Sanchez is 6'2", 190 -- a couple of lightweights compared with this natural disaster, this swirling vortex of carnage transforming the Giants' outlook on the season into a post-apocalyptic hell.
By the way, it's weird how many sets of twins are on the Giants' staff.
This whole road trip has been absolutely wretched to watch, and of course that's not all Wellemeyer's fault. He definitely contributed more than his share, as the 13-1 drubbing at the hands of the D-backs was about as low as low gets, but the pathetic, sputtering offense, an off-night from Timmy and an uncharacteristically high number of walks from all of our starters made Giants baseball into a maddening week-long blur. I'm really starting to worry about our lack of a big bat, and growing desperate for Panda to break out of his slump. It's just not fun right now, and I haven't the patience for bad baseball.
The only upside I can see to this Wellemeyer situation is the possible return of Joey (Joe-Joe Junior Shabadoo), who would at the very least make the dugout a more aesthetically pleasing place, but who might also be a serviceable fifth starter. In the meantime, I've coined the phrase "Wellemeyer lemons" to refer to his starts. I can't tell you how pleased I was when I came up with it this morning. It is, indeed, the best thing to come out of his season so far. Pass it on. Wellemeyer lemons. "It's gonna be a thing!" (Not for long, hopefully.)